Finding My Way Home
All I ever wanted was love—a love that could soothe my despair and fulfil my heart. Yet, for the longest time, all I found was disappointment.
I grew up in a broken family in the town of Kuching. Watching my parents fight every day, I carried the heavy burden of thinking it was all my fault. In 2003, my family came to Christ, hoping that the prayers of pastors and leaders would provide a "cure" for our home's dysfunction. Unfortunately, things did not go well. One day, my parents sat me down and asked the impossible question: "Who do you want to follow?"
After they parted ways, I was assigned to my mother’s custody. With the father figure suddenly gone from my life, my mother began to channel her anger toward my father onto me. My world collapsed; my trust in the concept of "family" was completely shattered.
Searching for the father figure I lacked, I began to project my desires onto a brother in church. At first, our friendship was pleasant, but as my need for emotional reliance grew stronger, my desires intensified. My pastor tried to minister to me regarding my same-sex attraction, but his words couldn’t penetrate my mind. My desire was a wall that blocked everything out. Eventually, the situation backfired, leaving me with a heart full of hurt and a growing hatred toward the church.
Broken and searching for comfort, I met someone on Facebook who seemed to care for me like a brother. He lived nearby and often showed concern and spent time with me. One day, while I was home alone, he came over to keep me company. Everything seemed normal until he suddenly kissed me. In that moment, it felt "right" because it was the first time I felt loved. That experience became my first sexual awakening.
Before I left Kuching, I was experiencing severe grief and heartache every single night. Before I slept, it felt as though my heart was being pierced through again and again until I could not breathe, until I was finally too exhausted to stay awake. Unable to cope with these crushing emotional struggles, I chose to escape to Singapore. I felt like a wild bird escaping a cage, and I began to live a life of total liberation. I fell into a cycle of lustful living with different men, using my own strength to try and heal the wounds in my heart. Instead, the hurt only grew deeper. A messy life led me into scams, and an occasional hookup resulted in a severe bacterial infection and tonsillitis. I reached a point where I could not speak, eat, or drink.
It was in that silence that the Holy Spirit began to move. While I was "muted" by illness, I felt prompted to attend a prayer meeting at a nearby church. I was so weak I could barely move, but through prayer, the Holy Spirit strengthened my every step until I reached the sanctuary.
During the meeting, I stood there, unable to join the songs of worship. Then, God spoke to my heart: "My son, I am giving you this voice to worship Me." Immediately, I started to sing in the Spirit—a new song to glorify His name. In that moment, my Father found me. Like the Prodigal Son, I had finally come back to my Father’s house.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, a question took root in my mind: "If without all these labels and my past, who am I?" I felt the Holy Spirit calling me back to Kuching. I knew the Father wanted me to forgive and reconcile.
I realised I had to forgive my father for leaving, and my mother for projecting her bitterness onto me. I had to forgive the church brother and the pastor for the feelings of rejection I carried. I had to forgive the man from Facebook for our first encounter. Most importantly, I had to forgive myself—for the messy lifestyle I led, for the hurt I caused myself, and for the times I intended to end my life.
As 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
God has shown me His perfect love, and now I want to share that love with everyone around me. Today, I serve youths and young adults, building them up because I know how much He first loved me. I also feel a deep calling to serve those walking through their unwanted struggles with same-sex attraction, offering the same hope that set me free.
My name is Brandon, I am a child of God, and my life is for His purpose.